The love of Jesus in dying for me on the cross.

My background: I am 65 years old. I am a professional Counselor, graduating in 1997 from Mississippi State University, USA. From late 1997 to June 2002, I was Director of a reputed Counseling, Training & Research Center in Bangalore – having counseled and trained counselors both in India and Bangladesh. I was also a consultant for UN ESCAP (United Nations Economic and Social Commission in Asia and the Pacific) training trainers working with sexually abused and sexually exploited children in South Asia. I resigned in June 2002, to prepare for my return to Mississippi State University for my doctorate program in 2003/4.

Reason for attending the Retreat:

On relinquishing my Director-ship, my son (an Army Officer) invited me for a long visit to his home in the Punjab. He warned me that his wife was a difficult person, and requested me to leave her alone, and not take cognizance of her provocative behavior. I had a wonderful time acquainting myself with my 3 year old grandson, and witnessing my son as a family man, particularly the role of a loving and caring father. As he wanted me to stay till Christmas, it did become a very long visit, and unknown to me, my patience was wearing thin with my daughter-in-law. On my return to Bangalore in January 2003, as a counselor I knew, I needed help emotionally and psychologically. I had heard of Father Vijayanand SJ from a nun in Providence Convent, Bangalore, when I was conducting an Inner Healing workshop there – she spoke very highly of Father Vijayanand and her experience at the Retreat. I took details from her to contact Father V. as and when needed. The time had now come, and I attended the Retreat from Feb. 5 – March 4, 2003.

My Experience: From the outset, I liked Father’s structure and detail– the silence, the wholesome meals, the 24-hour availability of hot water, the daily relaxation exercises, the recall of our whole life from conception to date, the tapes at the very beginning explaining to us how we are expected to work through our negativity, explaining what this negativity is (all the repressed anger, fear and sadness since conception!) and how this negativity stands as a BLOCK in our daily relationships –with parents, siblings, friends (community), families (spouses, children), and God ……the dichotomy being that while we long for loving relationships, unknown to us, our negativity blocks us from building these relationships…..and we become manipulators in the game of love and stay frustrated and miserable in life.

So from Day One, after I detailed all my negativity and pain, Father guided me to take responsibility for this negativity which is being reinforced by my false beliefs deeply embedded in my subconscious, hidden away from the public eye (in shame) as well as my own. (Some of these “false” beliefs: - I am always rejected - I am comfortable to be rejected in love - I am unlucky – no one will love me - Etc, etc )

With these beliefs embedded in me, I have a history of two broken marriages (the first one after 30 years of marriage), and the second a shorter one of a little more than a year, as well as the struggle in maintaining current relationships .

In writing down my history, I “discovered” that I was an unwanted child, as after her 5th child, doctors had warned my mother against another pregnancy, as the chances of both mother and child surviving were almost nil. I was conceived six years after her fifth child.

All her fears, shame, anger and sadness (of the impending deaths) were totally absorbed by me in the womb……..the rejection and lack of love that I experienced in my mother’s womb became the pattern for my map of life.Father highlighted for me my mother’s “shock” when she missed her first period – (unbelievable as it may seem, I would often refer to my pain in broken relationships as being “shell shocked”.)

Having helped me to realize this, Father then guided me thro the arduous task of working thro this pain and beliefs, by repeating these beliefs and experiencing the pain that was awakened with the memories of all my futile attempts “to buy love”…. The pain seemed endless, but Father with his expertise had assured us all that our pain is LIMITED. There was hope in this powerful message.

With care and confidence, Father encouraged me toexperience the pain of rejection and unwantedness inthe womb over and over again, until I reached the “end” – and then Father would take me again and again back to the womb to “cleanse” myself of all the “dregs” (as he would call it). All this was a very painful process, as Father would insist that I feel the pain and not let my thoughts “deceive” me that itwas over – here I must mention that it is to Father’s credit and vast experience, that with an eagle’s eye,he can spot a thought / a fantasy coming in the way of “rescuing” (avoiding) me from the pain of my deep emotional wounds. Father’s know-how in this field is indeed commendable. As a counselor, I know how difficult it is to stay with a client in the womb experience, until all the pain is worked out – and I was indeed fortunate to do this very sensitive work with an expert in the field.

In the last week, I worked intensely on the belief: “I missed/miss love” and even tho Father had told me so much not to think (being goal oriented) or fantasize –I did so several times, and Father would gently and firmly suggest I start all over again – I did experience being pressurized and finally I “surrendered” (no goals!)….then with the magic of surrender, suddenly I heard myself saying instead of “I miss love” - “I AM LOVE” ….. words fail as I try to express the deep satisfaction and quiet at this awesome moment…

No more do I have to chase/buy love, because now I know that I came from a God of Love, who has filled/fills me with love – no one can take away an ounce of that love, nor can they add to it – it is God and God alone who fills me with His love, ams stay connected with Him in love. I now understand more clearly that I am made in the image of God.

Physically, almost all thro the year I wear a shawl, as I feel cold and clammy in my feet and hands……When I told Father this, he identified it as the result of my enormous accumulated fears – so he encouraged to work thro all my fears again. I spent a whole day recalling and experiencing all the fear once again……I have to admit today that no longer do I have cold feet or cold and clammy hands.

Father explains very clearly that he is NOT a healer, but this healing experience is the result of my working thro my negative feelings – credit goes to Father’s humility.

Conclusion:

It is almost a month that I am back from the Retreat.With honesty I must admit that I am more peaceful, and my relationships are far more meaningful than they have ever been. No more do I play the blame game or experience the constant anxiety of manipulation….

All I can say in conclusion, is that Father Vijayanand has guided and empowered me with this my very own God experience, that I finally understand the love of Jesus in dying for me on the cross. Father’s method of directing me during this Retreat,took care of all four dimensions of my life: the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.Now I thank my daughter-in-law for having provoked me to such an extent, that I sought help at the Retreat –mysterious indeed are the ways of God to help those who seek his face!

Bangalore April 4th 2003.