NEW LEASE OF LIFE

" Because others love you or hate you, your happiness does not increase or decrease. So why bother about the expression of love or hatred?" Even though I have been hearing this many times from my mends, I could not make it my own. My friends used to tell me "What is lacking for you in life? You have position, power, intelligence, knowledge, qualifications etc. If we were
in your position, we would be happy." But deep within me, I was unhappy. Life was meaningless and I was counting my days and asking God: "When are you going to take me to you forever?" I used to make my morning meditation in the graveyard in our campus, which is exclusively for our sisters. Because of this feeling, I asked for a year's leave from the school not for any course, but just to be myself and discern what should be my next step to be happy. I was looking for some sort of retreat. By providence, I saw Fr. Vijay Anand's letter on the table. I read the experiences of two sisters who made the Inner Freedom Retreat. So I wrote to Fr. Vijay and he replied welcoming me for this retreat.

I was very discouraged, confused, and in despair and conflict. When I came here on 1st August 1997, just as I was entering our house, I had a fall. It was very painful, but I got up and since it was my birthday, I felt all the more and I said to God in anger: "Is this your birthday gift to "me?" Secondly I did not know Fr. Vijay Anand and I wondered what kind of a Director he would be. I was scared of priests because of a previous experience. The atmosphere of the house - the silence that prevailed and Father's insistence that we maintain strict silence put me at ease. I found Fr.Vijay simple, gentle, humble, wise, sincere and approachable. I was touched by his "way of going round to see that everyone was comfortable both within and without. He is a very good facilitator and with his guidance and direction I came to realise the following during my stay here.
He told us to go into our life history, past experience, events, hurt feelings, persons and circumstances which had an negative influence on our lives.To go deep within myself, and go back into my life and spend time to be myself in self search, self help, self-realisation, self-knowledge, self-awareness etc. To be freed from the past because I have accumulated a lot of negative feeling from the moment of my conception till today.It is necessary to go back into my own self, reflect within me, observe myself, meditate on myse1f and look at myself, and spend time on myself to be aware of my own identity. Since my motto is "Do well all that you do", I took this retreat very seriously. I had to work very hard in order to work on my negative feelings. This was very painful, though profitable. These are enriching experiences.I felt at home, so I was open and sincere. This openness helped me to receive
help given by Fr. Vijay Anand and I was able to accept it with enthusiasm and interest. So even in my pain, I experienced a little happiness and also inner peace and freedom. I felt as if a very heavy burden was lifted from me and I received relief from my inner conflicts.

I had to go right back into my childhood experiences. My father whom I was very fond of, disowned me when I decided to join the Convent at the age of 15 and a half years. This decision of mine broke his heart. I am the eldest daughter and I resemble him in features and colour. I was good in studies, classical dance, singing and sports. I used to get 100 marks in Mathematics and I had a scholarship to go abroad. I had a boy friend. He too used to get 100 marks in Maths. He is an engineer now. He had asked me to marry him, but I said "No" to him even though I loved him. I came

to realise the reason for this "No" only during this retreat.I decided not to marry at the age of l4 by seeing how the many children of the servants were suffering! So, displeasing everyone at home, I joined the religious life, but illness too followed me to the convent during most of the years of my religious life. My father did not speak to me till his death. My uncle who is a priest did everything for me. He brought me everything I needed to bring to the convent when I joined as a postulant. He accompanied me to the convent . My father did not give me anything. I felt this rejection very much since my father was very fond of me. This feeling of rejection especially by my father was the root cause of all my unhappiness in my religious life. I came to realise this only during this retreat, while working on my negative feelings. This experience was an eye-opener for me in my life, because as I went deeper into myself, in the silence of my hear1 I became aware of the following:
- I started vomiting in my postulancy itself. I thought it was because of the food especially bread and milk which I did not like. I was admitted in the hospital and stayed there for a month for investigation and observation. The Doctor could find nothing wrong with me physically. It was a purely psychological condition, especially due to the negative feeling that my father had rejected me.
- For my vestition ceremony, no one came from home except my uncle who is a priest.
- It was the same for my first profession. None of my family members were present.And so also at my Final Profession, no one came from my home.

I felt this rejection by my family very much, especially the rejection from my father and mother, since all my companions had their parents come from Bombay, Delhi, Madras, Changanacherry and Trichur. They also distributed souvenirs, took photographs, brought gifts for I was not happy and thought" Well, this is the end.! Because I felt I may not be their daughter etc. I was very sick after each function with vomiting. Each time the doctor examined me he could find nothing wrong with me physically.

I started giving gifts to others, started taking their photographs without their being a need to do so. lt was just my need for assurance of acceptance, because of the rejection by my father.
Jesus

I did not have contact with my father till his death. I used to visit him, but he did not speak to me. He asked for me before his death, but I reached home only after his death. He died at 4.30 p.m. and I arrived home only at 5.00 p.m. So there was no reconciliation. I did not realise until now that my separation from my father hastened his death due to sorrow: I am responsible for his death. .

I worked on these negative feelings for many days . These were days of pain, crying, agony, struggle, hard work, brokenness and anguish. There were moments of intense feelings - feelings that came up fully alive. I had a dream after working on these negative feelings; My father came to my room with a 'sari'. He did not see me in the 'sari'. Let me see how you look in 'sari' and I wore the same 'sari' which he brought me. Seeing this he kissed me the way he used to kiss me when I was at home. With this dream I felt very happy since reconciliation has taken place now after so many years. This was the root cause of all my unhappiness in my religious life. I came to realise this only now by working on my negative feelings. This is the grace and liberation I got after these days of hard work under the able guidance and spiritual direction of Fr. Vijay Anand.

My father had shouted at me when I joined the convent. This was the first and last shout by my father. This shout had gone very deep with me. So when others shout at me or accuse me, I used to feel very sick and usually this feeling was manifested through vomiting.

17 years ago , there was a false accusation. On the same day a boil appeared on my chest.

I was again falsely accused in connection with a court case. A second boil appeared on the other side.

A staff member had taken me to the Court hurling false accusations against me. The mental torture developed into a volcano of agony and anguish when the Management, my only kith and kin here on earth ( since I had chosen this life), let me down. Their lack of concern, encouragement and support in my hour of need, trial and tribulation, made me a mental wreck, and affected me very badly in the very core of my being.

Through the prayers and support and encouragement of 500 Headmasters of the Headmasters Association , in the form of advice and financial assistance, I worked for justice on behalf of my poor students and we won the case, but I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown due to anger and frustration and the feeling of being let down by my own management.

3rd false accusation by my major superior, a third boil appeared on the chest.

A. At the beginning of this retreat I was working on these hurt feelings without realising the greater hurt feeling of rejection by my father, once I worked on the rejection by my father, these false accusations did not bother me much and I found it easier to forgive those who had spoilt my name with these false accusations, Once I became aware of the root cause of my unhappiness, I began to work on these negative feelings.

I cried for so many days. Now lam able to forgive them one by one. Let them enjoy life to forgive those who have hurt me, who have destroyed my good name, is a painful process. it is a long process for me. I am at it, I am going to forgive them and work at this forgiveness until I attain that inner freedom, happiness, joy and peace. as I went on working on my negative feelings to discover my own inner self.

.All that happened to me is part of me, what goes on inside of me, will never get out. I have to transform the negatives into positives e.g.
unhappiness into happiness sadness into joy.
I have the capacity within me to transform my hurt feelings into positive feelings. So I may not run after others for consolation by repeating what had happened to me.
It is useless for me to expect love from others. I have to come to my own self to find a friend within myself.

"Gratitude is the memory of the heart" Sol would like to thank Fr. Vijayanand, a very good facilitator in helping me to discover myself by his experience, conviction, example, wisdom, silence, simplicity, humility, smile, love, gentleness, hard work and dedication.

I have been given new life. I want to live now, not asking God to take me to himself no more visit to our cemetery. Now I came to realise the root cause for my unhappiness - rejection of my father when I joined the Convent. Now I feel that I will be able to enjoy celebrations and functions. Since it was possible for me to transform my negatives into positives, unhappiness into happiness, sadness into joy, by going deeper into myself - discovering my own identity. I am going home now being a little bit lighter in mind and body. Even though you cannot see it, I can feel it. A very heavy burden has been taken away from me. Now I am joyful and have the capacity to enjoy life and attain inner freedom.