I am seated on the balcony watching the breath-taking panorama. The radiant colors of the setting sun reflecting on the cool silent waters of the river flowing gently towards the mighty ocean.

The white sea gulls perched on the low boughs of trees and the long legged storks standing like sentinels on the banks, awaiting its prey. The slender, tall coconut trees seem to sway rhythmically to the soft music of the breeze. And against the backdrop of this scenario my thoughts f1y back to XTC where I spent 5 very rewarding weeks.

The CD unwinds itself on the screen of my mind and there I see a blurred vision of myself- miserable bundle of nerves with its network of negative feelings of fear, anxiety,guilt, unwantedness unlovableness. A feeling of rejection wishing I was not born at all, or died before all this happened.

I started working on myself with the help of Vijay, but I became still more confused, getting more and more discouraged. I felt like packing up and escape to get back home. Vijay's encouraging words constantly repeated, "I wiII not let allow you to leave this place unless and until you are completely healed" urged me on. Days were quickly rolling by and almost the eve of closing the retreat. But I was nowhere nigh or near to the end of my working. I was getting desperate - By evening all had left but me. I was almost cursing myself and questioning God - why Lord? And I found the answer deep within me. I was tongue-tied and fettered strongly - the hidden secret was the hurdle that was hampering the work. I took courage to reveal what had happened in my childhood and Fr.Vijay helped me to work out.

Now my blurred vision of the bundle of nerves cleared up. My negativities disappeared and I felt myself being unloaded of a heavy burden which I was carrying for nearly 60 years.

And what are my feelings Just now?
There is a movement within me - a kind of softness, a smooth flowing. A look within I feel joyful, happy, light and freedom.I was overtaken by a feelingof fear, shame and the question "VIRGINITY" almost drove me mad. It was all due to the misunderstanding of guilt caused at the age of three!! I questioned God why Lord! Why me? I worked the technique Vijay taught me and I fell into a slumber. Sometime later when awakened I felt like a soothing balm deep down with the words "1 created you out of love - you are the masterpiece of my loving art. I let all this happen to you for something better which you will not understand now. I will never let my art go to waste however disfigured it be. Courage!" with this assurance I felt calm and restful.

Vijay, looking into myself I feel quite positive. You remember me saying "I wish I was never born - I wish I were dead, I disliked celebrating birthdays. I never considered my life a gift. I don't think that way any more. I thank the Lord for keeping me alive and all the grace he had bestowed on me including the gift of my long life. I keep praying that God grant me some more time to enjoy my new life and thank and praise Him for His wonderful gift.

My sincere thanks to you Vijay, for your marvelous patience and perseverance. Do you remember the night you were upset and angry with me - shouted at me? That broke the ice and the ball set rolling. The last 5 days were most beautiful though at that time I thought I would die because of exhaustion - my heart was heavy. You really unloaded me of the heavy burden I was carrying for the past 60 years. You are the instrument of God's love. My prayer for you is that the good work begun in you may continue to bring healing and solace to many who despite themselves are suffering.