THE GREAT TRANSFORMATION

The words "Inner Freedom made me get excited when I heard one of fellow Provincials say that she is going to register her name for this retreat. Immediately I told her to register my name too and we four provincials of the same congregation. I thought this is going to be boon for part of my sabbatical year. Freedom within myself has been the quest of life and I have been praying for this "liberation from within" so that my relationship with God, others and my self will be more free, genuine and selfless. I am sure this is what everyone is ultimately in search. When I asked my name to be registered, little did I know what surprises God had in store for me in X.T.C. Retreat Centre, Belgaum.

At the very outset, during the orientation talk, Fr. Vijayanand, S.J. Told us that the retreat would at working on oneself - one's negativities from th e past and to enter into this process we need to observe total silence and be in seclusion. By "negativities" he meant all the unpleasant events from our past life. Nowadays quite a few directors do not give such importance to total silence. As the days passed I felt the great need for this silence and seclusion. Otherwise one can easily get distracted and one gets estranged from oneself and the process will disrupted. The seriousness is lost and one cannot deeper into the subconscious level which is not easy as one may think.

Fr.Vijay asked us to start recalling our past from our childhood with all our negativities - anger, anxiety, fears, guilt, hurts, revengefulness, sadness, etc… The material for our work was to be our life history as far as possible in chronological sequence. When we read the salvation history of the people of Israael, we observe that it is in and through the human realities of historical events like war, imprisonment, oppression, slavery, and sinfulness of all kinds that God redeemed his chosen people. The memories of these events of the past were recalled and the people were to" remember. "God' redemption continues continues in the personal life of each one of us. It may be a history full of all sorts negativities but it is my personal salvation history. I need to recall, remember and relive these negativities of the past in all their intensity. This is hard work. Often we do not want to remember our ugly past and we want to deny it. It is only when we slog, dig deeper into the negativities of the past that we have undergone, that these can be transformed into positives. The crux of working on our negativities is to feel consciously our hurt feelings. Often we tend to spiritualize our negative feelings. What we need is "healing of feelings and not "healing of memories" we cannot for what happened but after having worked on our negative past, we can look at the same experiences from a positive perspective. Only then we will be able to forgive our past. Since most of our feelings are at the subconscious level, we need to struggle to go deeper to ring them to conscious level and relive them. For this we a lot of courage, honesty, patience, and perseverance. The wounds have to be opened up and the pus removed if healing has to take place.

So coming for a retreat and wanting to spend long hours in prayer, listening to some conferences and having a relaxed time, while all the time my mind is filled with hatred, hurts jealousies and wicked thoughts, is not going to help in the spiritual growth. According to the retreat direction method proposed by St.Ignatius of Loyola, the retreatant not be allowed to move on to the next three stages if the person has not gone through completely the first stage which is the stage of "purification". This is what Fr.Vijay emphasizes during these Inner Freedom Retreats. Until this process is completed we cannot we cannot enter into the prayer of intimacy. In fact, my experience during this one month I am convinced that working on one's negative feelings is a prayer in itself.

The search began. Self-awareness is the first step towards self-purification. Fr. Vijay met us individually and listened to the list of negativities we had prepared and asked us to start working on one these. It was not easy at the beginning As one negative feeling after another emerged, I went through very painful days. At times some of us felt like giving up but with the patient encouragement of Fr. Vijay we continued.

After working on some serious negativities, for the trauma I experienced in my mother's womb as a fetus, I came in touch with the origin of my problems - the root cause of my anger, anxieties, fears, feelings of insecurity and sadness. Day after, I slogged too deeper and deeper into the the multiple layers of the subconscious, in order to come in touch with all the negative feeling I had accumulated and suppressed in the past. Until I burnt all these negativities and purified myself of these, I was not able to forgive all those who had hurt me and see them positively. To go through such a process I was very honest and open with Fr. Vijay and it needs a lot of courage and patience with oneself. It is a very personal process and no one is there to our rescue.

Each day began with a relaxation exercise at 5.30 am. After this we listened to a talk of Fr.Vijay for an hour. This was followed by adoration before the Blessed sacrament exposed for half an hour and the Eucharist. Fr Vijay met us twice a day or even more if it was needed to see how were progressing. His presence was non threatening, gentle but firm and challenging. In the night from 8-9 there was another talk and then went through the relaxation exercise. Except for silence we were left free, to join any of the schedule or not.

From the spontaneous and voluntary sharing of each one's process, which we had once at the end of the month,(there was no sharing of any type till then) it was clear, that as each one struggled and went through completely the purification one more positive and felt the need to forgive from the depths one's being. We gained to accept the past, oneself and others. It has truly been a beautiful experience for all of us.

It is worth mentioning here some of the healings that had taken place during this one month:

*One of the participants had a fall from a stool due to someone's playfulness and she injured her back. For eight years she experienced terrible pain on her back and left leg. She underwent various types of treatments and finally went through a spinal surgery. Even after the surgery for the past twelve years she had constant pain on both the legs. She could not bend fully and needed a stool for bath and washing clothes and could not use the Indian style toilet. She could not squat on the floor for meditation. Going through very painfully the series of events of the past twenty years, she came in touch with a lot hidden anger to the person who was responsible for the fall from the stool and at the end she was able to forgive that. Earlier she had been convinced that she had forgiven her and had no anger towards that person. Now that she is healed, she is able to all that she could not do before.

This same person could not accept her dry skin. She was made to go through the womb experience. She knew about the rejection her mother had experienced from her father soon after their marriage. She also knew the fact that her father did not allow her to go to her mother for the first delivery according to the old Indian custom. Her mother had gone through a lot of anger, anxiety, pain, sadness and insecurity. All these feelings the person had absorbed in the womb as a fetus. Going through this process of being in the womb, the person was released of a lot of her anger. Only then she was able to forgive her father and accept herself as she is with her dry and ugly skin. Her skin became normal within few days and over sensitiveness to cold also disappeared.

One of the participants was rejected by her parents because she was girl. She was sexually abused from one to ten years of age. She had taken psychological help for many years and could not make any headway in healing herself. She is lucky that she could come out of all her problems with the expert guidance of Fr. Vijay within a short time..

Some had suppressed sadness after her mother's death because she had to run around and do many things, so she never cried. Since then for nine years she was not able to shed tears. The tear glands had dried up and she had to put eye drops in to her eyes everyday. After working on this sad event, the fist drop of tear fell from her eyes like a precious pearl and since then she wept bitterly over her mother's death.

Two persons who had fallen and fractured their knees were operated but continue to have pain and their knees were not flexible. For one it had been the case for twelve years after the surgery. But going through all the details of the past, the surgery, physiotherapy as well as the negative feelings connected with this event they have been healed and are able to bend their full and move about and function without pain.

Another lady had suppressed her sad feelings over the husband's sudden death in accident. She had to make quick decisions to bring the body to India and go through the funeral procedure. She developed arthritis later due to the shock. After coming in touch with intense sadness and after having relived all the events connected with the sudden death of he husband, she was bole to say goodbye to her husband and since then she is experiencing deep peace. She is also healed of her arthritis.

Another one had fear of her father, recalled that she was rejected by him for some months after her birth because she is the third girl baby girl. Yet,as she grew up she pleased her father by doing everything well. Her father appreciated. But she always searched for love and happiness outside of herself. After going deep into her negative feelings during this retreat, she says, "she has come home to herself" and gained the insight that the "key to everything is your self". She also shares that she is healed of her asthma and different allergies.

Many are afflicted by the lack of beauty in their physical appearance. This was the case with one of the participants. She had difficulty in accepting her physical stature because she short. She also experienced lack of acceptance from her sister and she was not able to talk to her properly. At the end of the process she went through in the retreat, she was able to accept herself as a short person without any internal pain and shame and also anger toward God!

What else could give me this immense joy that I am experiencing than the feelings of being liberated from the clutches of the negativities of my past? All four of us, ex provincials feel that we made good choice to join this retreat I personally could not have made a better a better retreat than this. I did not spend many hours in the chapel but I was being purified in the crucible of my past history and being burnt of my anger, anxieties, fears, guilt, hatred, insecurities, jealousies, sadness and shame. I have come in touch with my personal salvation history - sacred history replete with God's saving action , working out my salvation.