LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

We pass through this world just once and hence let us make our lives beautiful and worth living trying to live all the time in the "FREEDOM ZONE". Not letting any seed of Negativity take deep root and grow in us.

Yes, I could arrive at the above corollary only after a prolonged period of working in my inner, deeper self acquiring a self awareness that is authentic and real getting in touch with the subconscious mind, of course with the guidance of an experienced Director Fr. Vijayanand S.J who led me through the deep and dark recesses of my life with much patience and perseverance.

When I arrived at XTC I was. exactly like the 'MUCH AFRAID' in the famous allegorical novel written by Hanna Hurnard namely "Hinds feet on high place' Yes I was enslaved under the clutches of' CRAVEN FEAR" by so many negativities which I'd been storing up for the past -15 years of my life, becoming a cripple which I imagined to be incurable. Yes I admit that I was a depressed person so timid that I could only shed tears when faced with even trivial matters, which appeared insurmountable, I had lost my 'self confidence' to a great extent and was under the threat of fear, tension, anxiety, worry and anger. I could hardly enjoy the "PRESENT MOMENT'. Haunted by guilt, I was deprived of FREEDOM, very scrupulous especially about "SEX", "PERFECT BEING", "God was JUDGE" though in theory and in prayer I know him as a Loving Father, beside these, over the years, I had gathered anger towards some person's thought apparently I had forgiven them.

I was also under the trauma of a critical 'BRAIN SURGERY', which I had to undergo in Dec. 1996 and later on G.KS. {Gammaknife Surgery where gamma rays are applied on the tumor to prevent its growth in the brain. headaches, fits sensation, swellings, sore throat etc, were very frequent so much so I was quite discouraged by the thought that I wouldn't be able to carry on my responsibilities that were rather heavy. The only solace I found was in prayer interceding with 'ALL THE SAINTS', which had become almost an obsession.

Unearthing the sediments that were collected over the years seemed tedious and I had to work relentlessly for days on end. In the beginning the procedure seemed very confusing as I was a person who gave much importance to doing and getting things done very methodically, meticulously and perfectly. Very often I used to get discouraged hopeless and almost at the point of giving up. I thought I was a "gone case" as the days were flying I was becoming desperate not having concluded anything. But the patient tolerance and strong encouragement of Fr. Vijay gave me hope to persevere.

My confidence grew stronger when I really did experience a physical healing of the chronic sore throat which I was suffering since dec,1996. As I traced out the origin, I realized that my throat which I was indeed like a wound when I regained consciousness almost after 24 hours in the ICCU of Hinduja Medical Center, Mumbai after the major surgery. I had got very scared about it and it was from then onwards that I became a victim of the same.

This deep tangible experience of healing gave me the conviction that a awareness of self coupled

with continuous working with negatives will indeed liberate me from physical, mental and emotional hang ups. So Iwork on the negativities with more ease, decided to go in a second month's retreat. During this period, I could continuously work for hours. But by and by, I began experiencing the power of the Lord within me JESUS OF NAZARETH who is fully human became more alive in my life. He never left me alone. He is no more a threatening God but a friend and Guide.

One day, as I was working on sex-guilt, I had a tremendous experience of the 'Beauty of My Body' each and every part of it. Since then my guilty conscience has given way to freedom and joy. Now I am very much at home with self, emotions, feelings, and I can .freely relate with every person . I see myself as a lovable, beautiful, capable and talented person . Able to enjoy whatever life offers especially the caring love of the sisters in the community and reciprocates the same in freedom and joy . I had also had to work perseveringly for days until I could get out of the anger towards a few who had indeed caused pain in my life. I was able to write letters and send Christmas greetings to them freely and joyfully.

t is also relevant to remark that each time I worked on the "Trauma" of the surgery and the 'Gamma Ray Treatment' I suffered from severe pain in the head, eyes, ears, gums, neck and shoulders. inflammation and formation of puss in the gums was painful exactly as it wa after the operation.

Thus by and by the element of FEAR was getting out of the subconscious mind, which led me to wholeness, and healing. finally I felt that I had stepped into the freedom Zone' Thanks to the enduring patience of Fr. Vijayanand s j. His compassionate understanding mixed with firmness encouraged me to walk into this heaven, step by step. Today I feel I have gained "Hind's Feet' to climb on any cliff however precarious it may seem. The tool of "Self-awareness" takes control of every moment.

The new experience' of "Spring" in my life make's me Sing "My beloved comes leaping over the mountains, My beloved comes bouncing over the hill. Winter is over, and the rains have gone Flower have appeared upon the earth.
[song of songs]