THE GREAT TRANSFORMATION

Before I made the one month inner freedom retreat with Fr. Vijayanand, I was a depressed and frustrated person who was struggling to exist.

I am an extremely talented and capable person, but I could never believe in myself. I was holding on to parental rejection which I experienced at the age of three and as a result 1 could not feel the love, care and support that I received from my parents, family and friends. I felt no one loved me, no one cared for me and I was alone in the world. I never had the courage to express myself verbally or non-verbally and as a result I had done an excellent job at suppressing my feelings - both negative and positive. I always looked happy and contented and so no one knew what was happening inside me. In short I was a human being with a heart of stone.

My father is an alcoholic and I have been too ashamed to acknowledge his presence in my life. We also used to have a lot of fights and arguments. He was a very strict person & as a child I was scared of him & consequently scared of all persons in authority. I felt daddy didn't love me & I was craving for his love and affection. As I worked on my feelings of rejection 1 began to experience a lot of sadness and a tremendous amount of guilt which almost tore my heart apart, because it was only now at the age of 32, that I realized how blind I had been to the tremendous amount of love daddy has been showering on me over the years, while all along I had disowned daddy as I was convinced that he didn't love me.

I also realized that we as a family had disowned daddy, because he was an embarrassment to us and this resulted in daddy being a very lonely person, rejected by the family. I was now determined to be reconciled with daddy and also to make him feel loved and accepted by us, his family again.As soon as I got back after the retreat, for the first time in my life I sat and spoke to daddy. I told him about the rejection I experienced as a child, how scared I was of him and also how ashamed I was of him, because I couldn't accept the fact that my daddy could be an alcoholic. I apologized for all the disrespect and the fights that we have had & asked for his forgiveness. After receiving daddy's forgiveness I reassured him that I will always be there for him. This has resulted in a new bonding relationship between my dad and I.

I was a person who could be exploited and manipulated very easily, because I didn't have the courage to express myself, while at the same time I was, craving for love & appreciation. As a result I was getting angry and frustrated, but I couldn't help myself as I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I was so busy pleasing people, especially my family, that I had stopped living my own life. I was getting depressed and lonely and life didn't have meaning any more.

I went through painful and tough struggle as I worked on my feelings of rejection, betrayed, regret, disappointment and anger for allowing myself to be manipulated & exploited. I now began to feel and experience the love of my family in a more intimate & meaningful way. I was born again with a new life - a life full of feelings! .

It was only after I was being healed within that I began to experience Jesus in a more intimate way. Fr. Vijay's talks opened up to me the humanness of Jesus and his Mother Mary. The Eucharistic celebration on the terrace made so alive and meaningful and this beautiful and transforming experience of the last supper will always remain in my memory.

I also worked on a number of fears, such as fear of men, fear of dead bodies and spirits, fear of teaching teenagers, fear of meeting

people and the suppressed fear of a recent surgery and biopsy report, Working on my fears was a very freighting and difficult experience, but now after being healed I am enjoying a tremendous amount of freedom and this healing has also enhanced my self-confidence.

I finally worked on accepting and acknowledging the goodness and beauty in me'. I became aware of how all my suppressed negative feelings had left me feeling worthless: As I began to discover the 'self' in me that was hibernating for so many years" I am now able to believe in myself - the "ME" who is lovable, beautiful, talented, educated, capable and a lot more, I am now able to feel, experience, appreciate and acknowledge the love that is being showered on me by my parents, family and friends.

I worked-on accepting myself as being fat, and on the severe pain and discomfort I used to experience before and during my period every month. For over 20 years I used to suffer with premenstrual back-ache and leg ache and then severe stomach pain, nausea and vomiting during my period. I used to take about 6 strong pain killers in a day to relieve me of the pain. I didn't have much hope of being healed as my doctor had told me that my menstrual pain was because I have a retroverted uterus and I would have to just accept to live with the pain. After working on the trauma of my first period and the period pain, I have been healed of the pain, nausea and vomiting. It is now one year since this retreat and I have had no pre menstrual or menstrual pains.

The new "ME" would never have emerged if it were not for the patient and untiring efforts of Fr. Vijay. I persevered in working on myself only because I was convinced that Fr. Vijay cared for me. He was determined that I get healed and he kept encouraging me and wouldn't let me give up, but at the same time, he gave me the time and freedom I needed to go through each negative experience and to gradually and eventually get healed. Fr, Vijay accepted me as I was - broken, wounded and hurting.