A missionary doctor who was honoured with a Padmashree award.

I came to Belgaum in order to find, with the help of Fr. Vijayanand. S.J. healing of a nervous break down/depression of which I became aware in Jan 2003. Probably it was present for the last 2, 3 years in a hidden form.

I am 76 years old, am usually happy and active. I was born in a nice family where feelings were not expressed. At 18 years, I joined a lay missionary society of Europe, where we were told " if you are not OK, do as if you are OK and things will be all right." After sharing my life history with Fr. Vijay I was asked to feel the pain I suffered when some loved ones passed away. I chose 5 persons to whom I was very attached. I realized that I did neither cry nor go to any long and painful mourning because I thought that these persons had suffered enough and now they are in the Father's place, light and love. I continued to have imaginary conversations with them. I was asked to feel the loss now and tell them how much I was missing them. It was a very quick affair with each one of them, because they were always with me in my mind. I could not feel the loss! Then I was asked to go into the feelings again. I became that I negate many pains, changing them immediately positive feelings by sublimation - there was a strong shell around me that filtered all the negatives. They could not touch me. This shell would let all positive feelings pass: joy, love, beauty, togetherness.

After that, Fr. Vijay asked me to go into the actual depression feelings, and be aware of the feelings that were present before and during the depression - they emerged slowly one by one. I felt stupid (there was no reason for this depression). I felt humiliated in front of others - I could not sleep - I had no appetite. I had been dazed by all the praises showered on me, I traveled extensively in 2002 and was tired - no energy - I had guilt feelings about failures in my life, about unfaithfulness to my commitments, wasting the talents I received, taking into account and fearing other's opinions,being self centered (heart of stone). I felt fear that the depression could recur. I did not accept that I was getting old ( so many of my age group and older ones are still very active). I felt lonely, even home sick. I could not tolerate (in loneliness) the deteriorisation of the quality of life in India, pollution, corruption, exploitation, attitude of the Church in India, national and international policy - ( the whole Indian system) I became aware that a companion, who came to live with me last year was having a room too near to me - she was investigative, too protective and very noisy - I was no more free in my own house - I felt a foreigner! - on the 12th day, 1 thought I had found all the feelings about my depression. I told this to Fr. Vijay and he let me go and pray. But that evening itself I felt cold, then feverish, pains allover, a bad digestion ( I was never sick in my life !). I became aware that the "business" was not finished. I t took another 4 days to find that I had to take a decision for my future; either to stay where I like or work somewhere else in India, or go to my native place. I was paralysed by the fear of the other's opinion in face of that particular decision, when this became clear, I smashed this fear I took immediately a practical decision to what I have to do till the end of 2004. At that moment according to situation; I will decide for the rest of my life -anyway, I shall quit the place where I like - I shall also ask my companion to settle far from me in the campus- I felt so free and relieved after that. I took 2 days of free time and got ready to pray. First I was thinking to pray with Jesus prayer as I had done before. I became aware that my being was so free I should try the thoughtless meditation, that I had tried unsuccessfully before - this time it was wonderful.

The peace of the place and its cool climate certainly helped the posture had to be changed. As "an Indian" I used to pray squatting on the ground with crossed legs, but within 1/2 hour my back would not be straight and my legs would be painful I would be restless. This time I decided to sit on a chair with a straight back, feet straight on the ground, hands on the lap I could easily keep this position for one hour (but it was humiliating as it is not the Indian way to pray). We were advised to pray in the awareness of the Lord's presence in us and in the Eucharist. I met the Lord in the most intimate level - I felt that my shell was broken and I could feel compassion.

The silence, the daily relaxation _ the simple talks were important for the healing process. I am aware that relapses are always possible I feel also that the experiences of these days were so strong I will be able to stop them, even to prevent such relapses.

I express my very deep feeling of gratitude to Fr. Vijayanand S. J. His guidance was precious back in normal life I can have freedom, love and happiness.